if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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