5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
