also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
