He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
