Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
