Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i am craving dick and cupcakes
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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