a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
