Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I need moral support for this bender
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
