When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
