I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Randomize
