I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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