whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
