By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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