she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
