i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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