I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
