and my herpes radar will keep us safe
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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