yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
