just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
