Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I love you.
Bad choice
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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