I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
