If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
