it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
