Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
