I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
