im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Of course I have a pirate flag
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