Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
