Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
