i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize