He had one of those small greek statue penises
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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