I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
