Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Randomize
