The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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