i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
