I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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