paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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