i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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