Christians are straight up FREAKS
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
