just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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