I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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