Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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