If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
