I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
