maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
