Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
