I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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