i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
