I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
