I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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