it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
