I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Swine flu is the new snow day.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
