Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
