We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
