You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
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