I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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