Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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