i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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