My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize