Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
