my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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