im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
