Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
