It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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