My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
