i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Randomize
