Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
